Alas, I have been a bad blogger and have desserted the post for another hobby. I will continue to blog, but in my endless pursuit of the day that I will be a rock star, I may not be blogging as much. Seriously, I have found something that I really enjoy. There is nothing like writing a song or banging out a new to me chord arrangement after a hard day at work. It is great. But, I wanted to wish each of you a Merry Christmas.
This year, the wife and I are breaking tradiition. Rather than opening the presents weeks early, we waited until Christmas. It helped, that we put off our shopping til today and yesterday to cut down on temptation. Really, it was our frantic lives that put it off... Really, my priorities have changed since I found my other woman, Ibanez.
Well, it is midnight Christmas morning.... time to open the presents.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Her name is...
While my wife was blogging tonight, I had my hands all over the neck of another woman. Her name is Ibanez. We were going at it for a long time. Until I finally stopped playing around and put her in her case, blogged for a bit and now I must quit. I am out of time. It is bed time. Good night and more on my fling with Ibanez tomorrow or the next day. (I have another name for this guitar, but I will go with this one for a while because it is fun).
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Facing Death On a Cold Steel Table
A few years ago, while I was a chaplain, my supervisor had me and the other chaplains watch an autopsy. I really did not want to. So, she told me to go as long as I could handle it. I went. I stood in the same room, maybe 8-10 ft away. I watched. I was actually amazed. But, I was also unaware of the other emotions going on in my head. Later that night at home (this was almost three years ago), it hit me what I had observed that day. I was frozen and sunken emotionally. I was tense inside. The body became a human being as I became aware of all those who were probably affected by his passing. He was younger than a dead person should be (I guess anyone we love dearly dies too young) probably late 40's and early 50's. He was probably a father, son, uncle, coworker. Then, when I saw him. In a way, I almost felt like, "this is it." This is all it amounts to! A lifeless body laying on a steel table respectfully being taken apart and examined, hoping to find out what happened so maybe it won't happen to anyone else.... Why him? Why anybody? Why me.... Why did I let myself watch this? I still do not know.
But, today it came back in a weird way. One of my students, who works at a vet's office talked about being there as a cat was put to sleep. We both agreed that it was tough and I was empathetic for a moment when I did something I knew better than to do. I inadvertently went into "I got one better" mode. I saw an autopsy. Look at me. Of course, it peaked their teenage curiosity that the teacher saw an autopsy and they had to ask questions and I answered until I realized I was almost living it over again and quickly changed the subject.
What does it mean that this came back up and still affected me the way it did. Is there something I am not facing? Is there something about this that could explain the state of my faith? I don't know, but there is a reason for it and I hope to figure out what it is. Why did I feel the need to bring it up while I should have been listening to this young man about the cat, what was surely a traumatic experience for him too?
But, today it came back in a weird way. One of my students, who works at a vet's office talked about being there as a cat was put to sleep. We both agreed that it was tough and I was empathetic for a moment when I did something I knew better than to do. I inadvertently went into "I got one better" mode. I saw an autopsy. Look at me. Of course, it peaked their teenage curiosity that the teacher saw an autopsy and they had to ask questions and I answered until I realized I was almost living it over again and quickly changed the subject.
What does it mean that this came back up and still affected me the way it did. Is there something I am not facing? Is there something about this that could explain the state of my faith? I don't know, but there is a reason for it and I hope to figure out what it is. Why did I feel the need to bring it up while I should have been listening to this young man about the cat, what was surely a traumatic experience for him too?
Sunday, December 11, 2005
A dream come true! (read to the end and find out why)
Yesterday, I had a great time getting reacquainted with my cousins and visiting with my aunt and uncle at my uncle's 60th birthday. We played horseshoes and laughed and talked about the next time we will see each other. Maybe it will be less than 6 years, this time. Last time I saw all of them was at my grandmother's funeral. I have not seen them since then because I have lived out of state for several years and during the last few years, none of us really made the effort. But, when I received an invitation to go to the party, I thought "What the heck."
I got to see my Uncle as a grandfather. He has four kids and so far he has seven grandkids. I also got to see my cousin as Uncle ****. Since my cousin has the same name as my uncle, I had to think twice when my aunt told one of her grandkids to take a piece of cake to Uncle ****.
The biggest highlight of the day was somewhat of a selfish one though. One of my new cousins, who was just a young child when I saw him last has become a young teenager. He is a typical boy who, from what I saw on this day, is interested in guitar and dirtbikes. He had a nice size offroad motorcyle that the others were taking down the street and around the undeveloped property across from them. After I had tried his sister's four wheeler a few times, I finally got up the courage to ask if I could try out the two wheeler. I told his dad I had never driven one before and he was a good teacher.
After I killed it a couple of times learning the clutch, I finally got it going. I got it going straight ahead (before I had the turning part down) into a ditch. I was holding on for dear life, dragging my feet along behind, giving it enough gas for it to get through; because in the ditch is the last place I wanted to stall. When it got to the other side of the ditch (which the young lad uses as a jumping ramp by the way) it stalled again. After four or five times of killing it, I finally got the clutch and shift and took it down the road and back. It was exhilerating feeling the cold wind in my teeth.
A while back, I was really tempted to buy a motorcyle, an older one I knew about at an excellent price. I didn't because I was afraid I couldn't handle learning to drive a motorcyle. But, this goes to show that if you take a risk and are willing to try enough times, you can succeed. Who knows if I will ever find a great deal again, but at least I know I can drive one if I ever really decide to get one.
I got to see my Uncle as a grandfather. He has four kids and so far he has seven grandkids. I also got to see my cousin as Uncle ****. Since my cousin has the same name as my uncle, I had to think twice when my aunt told one of her grandkids to take a piece of cake to Uncle ****.
The biggest highlight of the day was somewhat of a selfish one though. One of my new cousins, who was just a young child when I saw him last has become a young teenager. He is a typical boy who, from what I saw on this day, is interested in guitar and dirtbikes. He had a nice size offroad motorcyle that the others were taking down the street and around the undeveloped property across from them. After I had tried his sister's four wheeler a few times, I finally got up the courage to ask if I could try out the two wheeler. I told his dad I had never driven one before and he was a good teacher.
After I killed it a couple of times learning the clutch, I finally got it going. I got it going straight ahead (before I had the turning part down) into a ditch. I was holding on for dear life, dragging my feet along behind, giving it enough gas for it to get through; because in the ditch is the last place I wanted to stall. When it got to the other side of the ditch (which the young lad uses as a jumping ramp by the way) it stalled again. After four or five times of killing it, I finally got the clutch and shift and took it down the road and back. It was exhilerating feeling the cold wind in my teeth.
A while back, I was really tempted to buy a motorcyle, an older one I knew about at an excellent price. I didn't because I was afraid I couldn't handle learning to drive a motorcyle. But, this goes to show that if you take a risk and are willing to try enough times, you can succeed. Who knows if I will ever find a great deal again, but at least I know I can drive one if I ever really decide to get one.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Bittersweet Ramblings on Teaching and Responsibility
Teaching can be bittersweet sometimes. While I believe that I am forming some good relationships and modeling patience and consistency, I have a hard time seeing that they are making progress in the subject area. I could get really down, but I am not the only one going through it. As many of you have read before, I have a tough crowd. What gets really irritating is when I have taught the same concept 7 or more times in a 10 or so day period and when I ask for an answer I still get blank stares.
You know, I am like that sometimes. I have to remind myself over and over again to stay organized and disciplined and still don't quite get it. How many thousands of lectures have I given myself about some of the things I should do to improve myself and wake up in the morning to stare blankly in the mirror? I am my students to some teacher out there.
Once again, maybe it is a lesson about responsibility. This is a word that I really don't like, but I am having to grasp at its meaning for my life more and more. The more you know or demonstrate you know, the more you become responsible for. This is true at home and at work. When I first became a teacher, I had to keep my head above water. I avoided any bright ideas for fear of being put on a committee. Finally, at the end of my second year, I had a few bright ideas and got invited to be part of a few committees. For some reason, though they are good ideas, I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut. I did join one committee, but they are still speaking a foreign language to me. I just sit back and nod. Maybe I can slow down enough by next year to understand all that is going on.
During the holiday happy hour, after school, one teacher was talking about her Christmas plans. After telling her how J. Rad's family was coming for Christmas, she said that she remembers the first Christmas she hosted for her family and it made her realize that she was becoming an adult when she was 31. For me, becoming an adult was 29, last Thanksgiving. Though it was for a noble reason, I still ran away this Thanksgiving. What is it that makes me find comfort in letting someone else be the responsible person or avoid responsibility? I don't know. In spite of this, I am seeing that being responsible is the better way. Time to grow up even more. Maybe I will learn to be a responsible dieter or exerciser next. Who knows.
Maybee, win I bale my gittar out of layway I will practice everyday because it will be good for me if I ever want to bee good at something ans especially something i love but don't get up and do for I am on the computer or bed in the not to mention TV. (The previous sentence is for the benefit of the Grammar police).
You know, I am like that sometimes. I have to remind myself over and over again to stay organized and disciplined and still don't quite get it. How many thousands of lectures have I given myself about some of the things I should do to improve myself and wake up in the morning to stare blankly in the mirror? I am my students to some teacher out there.
Once again, maybe it is a lesson about responsibility. This is a word that I really don't like, but I am having to grasp at its meaning for my life more and more. The more you know or demonstrate you know, the more you become responsible for. This is true at home and at work. When I first became a teacher, I had to keep my head above water. I avoided any bright ideas for fear of being put on a committee. Finally, at the end of my second year, I had a few bright ideas and got invited to be part of a few committees. For some reason, though they are good ideas, I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut. I did join one committee, but they are still speaking a foreign language to me. I just sit back and nod. Maybe I can slow down enough by next year to understand all that is going on.
During the holiday happy hour, after school, one teacher was talking about her Christmas plans. After telling her how J. Rad's family was coming for Christmas, she said that she remembers the first Christmas she hosted for her family and it made her realize that she was becoming an adult when she was 31. For me, becoming an adult was 29, last Thanksgiving. Though it was for a noble reason, I still ran away this Thanksgiving. What is it that makes me find comfort in letting someone else be the responsible person or avoid responsibility? I don't know. In spite of this, I am seeing that being responsible is the better way. Time to grow up even more. Maybe I will learn to be a responsible dieter or exerciser next. Who knows.
Maybee, win I bale my gittar out of layway I will practice everyday because it will be good for me if I ever want to bee good at something ans especially something i love but don't get up and do for I am on the computer or bed in the not to mention TV. (The previous sentence is for the benefit of the Grammar police).
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
"Rent" Part 2
After watching Rent and wrestling with the "right way to deal with a homosexual" issue yet another time in my life, I posted the long example of circular thinking below. I was hoping for a little more wrestling than I got, but thank you for those who posted. But, I think I finally came to a conclusion that confirms that I am really quite reasonable about this.
It would be impossible for me to expect anyone to totally agree with every decision I have ever made and will make. It would be impossible for me to expect anyone to agree with every view I have and will have. Even my closest friends don't agree with much of what I am doing right now. I know that some would consider the time I spend in bars an expression of me participating in abhorence. I can live with that because I know that I love my friends and they love me and that love and camaraderie we have is far more important than if I have a beer or express myself in some questionable ways on the blog.
Just like the person who decides or discovers that they are gay, I have weighed all aspects of what I know and believe at the moment in order to carry out what I do in my daily life whether people like it or not. They have done the same thing whether I like it or not. But, I hope the homosexuals I meet in the future can be as gracious as those I have met in the past and are able to agree to disagree, to share their tears with me as well as a drink or dinner and my tears with them as I have been able to do. But, knowing what I know today as an expression of who I am in this part of my journey, I can't see how I can change my mind. I still don't think that it is the way God intended. But, the response of most people who subscribe to the "Judeo Christian" ethic is most often equally not as God intended. But, I could not sacrifice a relationship with one if given the opportunity, by harping on their choice or condition in life. Because I truly believe that the differences we share with others challenge and refine us and make us better if we have enough concern for the person and not just the label we have on them. But really, we cannot help in this life do anything but wrestle with the labels when we are confronted with them.
As far as the movie goes, it did make me think and remember. As mentioned above, I have cried with those who believe they are homosexuals, with my arm around their shoulder. But, this movie is something different. While the premise is admirable and the movie was full of good music and talent, there is something that is unsaid amidst the emotional backdrop. Though not all people with AIDS are suffering the consequences of their decisions, the people in this movie (both gay and straight) who had AIDs were in the midst of enduring the consequences of unwise decisions made in their life.
This movie, though I must say again I liked it as far as musicals go, fails to point that out and provides an outlet for people's denial to grow. Even the main song is a great example. "525,600 minutes...." poses the theorem to us, as sung by dying people who created their own circumstances, that it does not matter how long you live, but how much love you give during the time you are here. Hence, "it is okay that I am dying so young because I had a lot of love to give." But, the sad part is that if these people have a lot of love to give, they should have made better decisions because when they die, the world would have to live without their life and there would be a lot less love if you follow the theory to its logical and unemotional conclusion.
Love is a great thing, but promoting love without the wisdom to prevent such dire situations is useless and emotional. It is not true love and leads to self destruction. But, when you consider what happened in the life of the person who wrote the musical, it is a beutiful expression of a person who was probably trying to cope with and make some sense of the situation he was in. He was able, for a time find his answer to the question of existence.
These issues are important for us to wrestle and think about. Someday, we need to tell our kids (those of us who have them), who will ask questions about those two guys or girls kissing on TV, what we believe about being right and wrong and how we should properly treat those and can still befriend and love those we disagree with or agree with for that matter (no matter which way you feel about this, you will be teaching your kids). That is my statement for today... after some wrestling.... again.
It would be impossible for me to expect anyone to totally agree with every decision I have ever made and will make. It would be impossible for me to expect anyone to agree with every view I have and will have. Even my closest friends don't agree with much of what I am doing right now. I know that some would consider the time I spend in bars an expression of me participating in abhorence. I can live with that because I know that I love my friends and they love me and that love and camaraderie we have is far more important than if I have a beer or express myself in some questionable ways on the blog.
Just like the person who decides or discovers that they are gay, I have weighed all aspects of what I know and believe at the moment in order to carry out what I do in my daily life whether people like it or not. They have done the same thing whether I like it or not. But, I hope the homosexuals I meet in the future can be as gracious as those I have met in the past and are able to agree to disagree, to share their tears with me as well as a drink or dinner and my tears with them as I have been able to do. But, knowing what I know today as an expression of who I am in this part of my journey, I can't see how I can change my mind. I still don't think that it is the way God intended. But, the response of most people who subscribe to the "Judeo Christian" ethic is most often equally not as God intended. But, I could not sacrifice a relationship with one if given the opportunity, by harping on their choice or condition in life. Because I truly believe that the differences we share with others challenge and refine us and make us better if we have enough concern for the person and not just the label we have on them. But really, we cannot help in this life do anything but wrestle with the labels when we are confronted with them.
As far as the movie goes, it did make me think and remember. As mentioned above, I have cried with those who believe they are homosexuals, with my arm around their shoulder. But, this movie is something different. While the premise is admirable and the movie was full of good music and talent, there is something that is unsaid amidst the emotional backdrop. Though not all people with AIDS are suffering the consequences of their decisions, the people in this movie (both gay and straight) who had AIDs were in the midst of enduring the consequences of unwise decisions made in their life.
This movie, though I must say again I liked it as far as musicals go, fails to point that out and provides an outlet for people's denial to grow. Even the main song is a great example. "525,600 minutes...." poses the theorem to us, as sung by dying people who created their own circumstances, that it does not matter how long you live, but how much love you give during the time you are here. Hence, "it is okay that I am dying so young because I had a lot of love to give." But, the sad part is that if these people have a lot of love to give, they should have made better decisions because when they die, the world would have to live without their life and there would be a lot less love if you follow the theory to its logical and unemotional conclusion.
Love is a great thing, but promoting love without the wisdom to prevent such dire situations is useless and emotional. It is not true love and leads to self destruction. But, when you consider what happened in the life of the person who wrote the musical, it is a beutiful expression of a person who was probably trying to cope with and make some sense of the situation he was in. He was able, for a time find his answer to the question of existence.
These issues are important for us to wrestle and think about. Someday, we need to tell our kids (those of us who have them), who will ask questions about those two guys or girls kissing on TV, what we believe about being right and wrong and how we should properly treat those and can still befriend and love those we disagree with or agree with for that matter (no matter which way you feel about this, you will be teaching your kids). That is my statement for today... after some wrestling.... again.
Friday, December 02, 2005
525,600 minutes.... Rent Made Me Think.
RENT was a great movie/musical. It really puts a perspective on peoples pain and anguish. More particularly, it shows how people who are different that I am, different values, different life decisions, do what they feel they have to do to find love.
Though I am not as conservative as I used to be, there are still times I have issue with the way people decide to run their life. I try to see myself as accepting, but as I watched this movie, it really made me think about how accepting I really am. I pretty much think that homosexuality is a result of psychological phenomena as a result of how a person was brought up. Therefoere, I think that it is simplistic to say that it is a choice and I think that it is also as much simplistic to say that it is not a choice. The homosexuals that I have known over the years, in my opinion exhibit similar characteristics in their upbringing and cope in much the same way to deal with the problems associated with that upbringing.
I have known them in various circumstances and believe I love them and based on our interractions and what they said about interracting with them. I have been told that they feel different around me than others with my same beliefs. I can also appreciate that there feelings are sincere and that to lose a loved partner could be as deep of a loss and need for love and sympathy as I would need if I lost my spouse.
I remember a while back praying and listening with a friend of mine after her partner of many years broke up with her. I know it was a painful experience and even though I disagree with her stance, I agree that she was hurting just like I would and I wanted to be there for her, sincerely.
I am stuck wrestling with this issue because I want to love and accept all people (and hope I really do). But, am I really accepting them with my views? Can I hold my views and accept them at the same time? How can a person who believes that being a homosexual is wrong, have a true homosexual friend and yet hold a view on the opposite end? Is it possible or will there always be distance? Even if I continued to use my old church cliche' "love the sinner, hate the sin." That would push them away further as those words can be very painful and condscending .... Is it possible to find a balance?
The movie RENT helped me to ask these questions. I hope that those who would want to send me hate comments recognize that I am wresteling with these things and want to get this right if possible. While watching the movie, I was engrossed in the music. It was great, I liked the acting and the fact that the plot gave a picture of reality we often do not want to face and it made me think. But, I noticed that I was not emotionally invested like I may have been if heterosexuals were going through some of the same issues. My wife, on the other hand was able to shed a tear at a poignant part of the movie while she still feels the way I do about the subject.
This situation caused me to recognize the difference between being concerned about what a person is versus who a person is. What = the label. Homosexual, transvestite, straight, liberal, democrat, conservative, republican, Christian, Muslim, Jew, criminal, celebrity, saint. Who = content of character. Loving, caring, compassionate, fellow struggler looking for significance in life as well as a long list of other good and bad things. We all know people who ascribe themselves to these different kind of labels can often exhibit many different forms of both good and bad character.
But, when the content of the movie goes beyond what I can "tolerate" do I go from worrying about who the person is (which leads me to believe that I can be a friend to all kinds of people) to worrying about what a person is (which makes them an inhuman object rather than a person with feelings and fears etc.)
I am really in a quagmire about this. Sometimes the mirror we hold up to our face brings surprises. I think that this would be a good discussion if anyone wants to wrestle with it.... with me.
One more thing that I noticed as I was rereading my entry is how I kept talking about "them." I hate us and them stuff, but am at a loss for another way to put it. Hmm.
Though I am not as conservative as I used to be, there are still times I have issue with the way people decide to run their life. I try to see myself as accepting, but as I watched this movie, it really made me think about how accepting I really am. I pretty much think that homosexuality is a result of psychological phenomena as a result of how a person was brought up. Therefoere, I think that it is simplistic to say that it is a choice and I think that it is also as much simplistic to say that it is not a choice. The homosexuals that I have known over the years, in my opinion exhibit similar characteristics in their upbringing and cope in much the same way to deal with the problems associated with that upbringing.
I have known them in various circumstances and believe I love them and based on our interractions and what they said about interracting with them. I have been told that they feel different around me than others with my same beliefs. I can also appreciate that there feelings are sincere and that to lose a loved partner could be as deep of a loss and need for love and sympathy as I would need if I lost my spouse.
I remember a while back praying and listening with a friend of mine after her partner of many years broke up with her. I know it was a painful experience and even though I disagree with her stance, I agree that she was hurting just like I would and I wanted to be there for her, sincerely.
I am stuck wrestling with this issue because I want to love and accept all people (and hope I really do). But, am I really accepting them with my views? Can I hold my views and accept them at the same time? How can a person who believes that being a homosexual is wrong, have a true homosexual friend and yet hold a view on the opposite end? Is it possible or will there always be distance? Even if I continued to use my old church cliche' "love the sinner, hate the sin." That would push them away further as those words can be very painful and condscending .... Is it possible to find a balance?
The movie RENT helped me to ask these questions. I hope that those who would want to send me hate comments recognize that I am wresteling with these things and want to get this right if possible. While watching the movie, I was engrossed in the music. It was great, I liked the acting and the fact that the plot gave a picture of reality we often do not want to face and it made me think. But, I noticed that I was not emotionally invested like I may have been if heterosexuals were going through some of the same issues. My wife, on the other hand was able to shed a tear at a poignant part of the movie while she still feels the way I do about the subject.
This situation caused me to recognize the difference between being concerned about what a person is versus who a person is. What = the label. Homosexual, transvestite, straight, liberal, democrat, conservative, republican, Christian, Muslim, Jew, criminal, celebrity, saint. Who = content of character. Loving, caring, compassionate, fellow struggler looking for significance in life as well as a long list of other good and bad things. We all know people who ascribe themselves to these different kind of labels can often exhibit many different forms of both good and bad character.
But, when the content of the movie goes beyond what I can "tolerate" do I go from worrying about who the person is (which leads me to believe that I can be a friend to all kinds of people) to worrying about what a person is (which makes them an inhuman object rather than a person with feelings and fears etc.)
I am really in a quagmire about this. Sometimes the mirror we hold up to our face brings surprises. I think that this would be a good discussion if anyone wants to wrestle with it.... with me.
One more thing that I noticed as I was rereading my entry is how I kept talking about "them." I hate us and them stuff, but am at a loss for another way to put it. Hmm.
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