A few years ago, while I was a chaplain, my supervisor had me and the other chaplains watch an autopsy. I really did not want to. So, she told me to go as long as I could handle it. I went. I stood in the same room, maybe 8-10 ft away. I watched. I was actually amazed. But, I was also unaware of the other emotions going on in my head. Later that night at home (this was almost three years ago), it hit me what I had observed that day. I was frozen and sunken emotionally. I was tense inside. The body became a human being as I became aware of all those who were probably affected by his passing. He was younger than a dead person should be (I guess anyone we love dearly dies too young) probably late 40's and early 50's. He was probably a father, son, uncle, coworker. Then, when I saw him. In a way, I almost felt like, "this is it." This is all it amounts to! A lifeless body laying on a steel table respectfully being taken apart and examined, hoping to find out what happened so maybe it won't happen to anyone else.... Why him? Why anybody? Why me.... Why did I let myself watch this? I still do not know.
But, today it came back in a weird way. One of my students, who works at a vet's office talked about being there as a cat was put to sleep. We both agreed that it was tough and I was empathetic for a moment when I did something I knew better than to do. I inadvertently went into "I got one better" mode. I saw an autopsy. Look at me. Of course, it peaked their teenage curiosity that the teacher saw an autopsy and they had to ask questions and I answered until I realized I was almost living it over again and quickly changed the subject.
What does it mean that this came back up and still affected me the way it did. Is there something I am not facing? Is there something about this that could explain the state of my faith? I don't know, but there is a reason for it and I hope to figure out what it is. Why did I feel the need to bring it up while I should have been listening to this young man about the cat, what was surely a traumatic experience for him too?
